Your Reflection

My personal life experience, my educational background and my career have given me significant insight into the interactions of people. I know that over the years I have worked on my own presentation and how I react in all the spheres that one might have personal exchanges. If you have known me for any length of time, you know that I am most fond of saying that the way people treat you is almost always – 99% of the time, about them and not you. This morning as I was deep in thought (on a run) I realized that our actions can also set the stage for how the other(s) will respond. I think we all know that on a surface level, but I am always interested in the deeper processes.

Let me start from the other side, the messages we project about ourselves, not the behaviors or responses we hope to generate in a deliberate sense but the more subtle nuances of our body language.

I was having dinner with a friend recently and she noted how she first perceived me. Basically she described seeing a person that was very closed off (arms crossed over my chest) and someone nearly tremulous with nervous energy. I seemed bored or anxious to be somewhere else. WOW. That is what my outside was saying and not at all what my insides were feeling. Instead, I was physically uncomfortable – i.e. cold and without a sweater, and I was fearful.
The people around us are not going to respond to what we are thinking or feeling, but what we are showing. It is an important take home message. I take this kind of feedback seriously and try to change myself accordingly. I am going to have similarly challenging new situations in my future and in preparation I am going to practice this little mantra, “check yourself.” Is my body projecting the message I want to convey? I may still be scared or uncertain and that is okay – at the same time it is probably NOT what I want to share, instead I can project confidence. It isn’t that hard really and of course, if I am cold, I can acknowledge that.

On this same subject of people responding to your outsides, it is also true that if you are nice to people, 99% of the time, they will be nice back. I am going to try this the next time I have a big transitional challenge – which you will learn soon is not that far into the future. And at that time, I am going to approach people as if our interactions WILL be positive, balanced, respectful etc. My hypothesis is that I will create a positive environment because the others will be reacting to this energy, much the way people have reacted to my “fear” or “intensity”. There are very few people who just interact due to having agendas and even fewer who put a lot of thought into their projections as I am today, so I can be reasonably comfortable that my expectations will pan out. Which reminds me of another thing I like to say – I own my expectations and no one has to meet them, it is just nice when they do!

Afterthought: I wrote this before I was ready to post and set it aside for awhile. I had forgotten that I had in some aspect already proven my theory. For the last two years, one of my professional responsibilities has been teaching an hour long class that meets for 4 weeks to a group of people who are compelled to take the class for a work place benefit, but who are angry about this requirement. (I have probably completed 50 series of classes) I have turned that class into something that the “students” do not mind attending and even enjoy at times. I framed it – I chose to go in positive and they replied in kind. I highly recommend this approach to life! (Of course, we all get to have our moments of foot stumping and pouting, but seriously – you should do that alone or in the company of those who love love love you dearly!)