The Saga Ends and A New Goal is Born

I really don’t have to process this anymore. My writings and daily pondering has given me the answers that I needed. I know what my mistakes were and what the challenges are – and I know what I want to do next. At this point, I am only telling a story, but it is not a story without lessons - or humor- or trials, so let me go on…

One of the reasons I wanted to run a second marathon was to eat pizza. Of course, I wanted to feel the euphoria of finishing – there has been nothing like it in my life – but I also remember it being the one day that I didn’t at all consider calories. When I was hungry I got up and ate something. My favorite foods are pizza and peanut butter, but I have not had pizzeria pizza in forever and two days. When I completed the Sarasota Marathon my friends chose our celebratory restaurant and I gladly accompanied them, but there was no pizza. So it was on my mind as I trained. I also know that my Mom would love to see me eat pizza – because she is Italian and that is what Italian Mom’s want. So my crazy motivating reward was to meet my mom on Sunday and say I ran another marathon Mom lets go get some pizza. (and my sister too). I had even gone to the local pizzeria a few days before and obtained a take out menu for encouragement. So Saturday night I thought I better call my Mom because she might make plans and THEN what. I emailed her instead though – said I would be calling her the next day and would like to see her. Of course, I couldn’t say what or why or when because I was ONLY doing this if I succeeded. Mom called right away – she had PLANS. So I thought I was going to cry, I almost did cry, but sucked it up. It was just one of those things – though I thought, maybe I could wait until later and still have pizza with mom somehow.

The rest of the evening left me worrying about my hip flexor and my foot, what to wear, what to carry with me in my two little pockets, what to put in the gear bag (12 dollars for my flushing massage), why I still had a headache and would it be cold. I had looked at the course map several times and had it segmented. Six miles around this little island like area, then six miles the other way and then about 6.5 out and back for the finish. I like to break my long runs into loops, so four or so loops of six – I could DO THIS. I slept fitfully, but the rule is to get the best sleep the night before the night before and mine sort of was. I thought I did all the right things to prepare and now I just had to trust it would pay off. (I was also spent from the stress of having to train on a timetable; to run when the weather was bad, or when something hurt, or early or late in the day – etc because I was training for a specific date – for 2/28/10 at 6am) The alarm went off at 445 and my coffee brewed and my bowels emptied and all seemed OK. I struggled over whether or not to put the IPOD in a pocket. You are not encouraged to race with earphones, but I thought I might need help at the end – even so, I wanted my Gu Chomps and my extra ¼ PB sandwich – so I left the IPOD in hopes of the power of the pace group.

I chose to wear running tights, my running bra tops and a long sleeve top, my Garmen GPS, a ball cap, ear wrap, sunglasses, and doo rag – I wore a hoodie for the ride over, put my money, extra drink, camera and black berry in the bag. I wanted to be able to call my mom or post to Facebook about my accomplishment when I was imbibing at the finish line.

I went downstairs and saw other runners. It was dark outside, in the low forties, and the sun was expected. No shuttle came – ever. The driver could not get through. It was after 530 when we chose to walk. None of these people were speaking to me, I just tagged along. My friends were at other hotels. It was dark. I followed footsteps. We were at a bridge in fifteen minutes or so and headed to the start line – but the gear check was INSIDE the convention center and I could not get to it. The runners were all lined up. I was along side the road, the runners were inside a portable fence, corralled. I had my back pack with me and nowhere to put it. Out of desperation I shoved it under the stage where the sponsor was speaking. I could not get to the start line. The people in front of me were seeded. That means they were going to run the full or half in ungodly paces of 5-6 minute miles. I tried to get into the corral. I finally got in the middle and had to go back, the wrong way, looking for the pacer group. It was like sardines. I found her, Tonya. I did not see any of my friends in the line up. It was six a.m. The marathon began and I hit the start button on my GPS, about a quarter mile later I realized I never “found the satellites” so the watch hadn’t started. I remedied that. I worried about the bag – my blackberry. I kept thinking of what I would do to replace it. Then I realized that the finish line was in a different place. I do not know what I worried about more, my body or my bag.

I was not too cold – and only intermittently too warm. The first couple miles I did concentrate on warming up and keeping moving. I listened to the others. I pondered 26.2 miles ahead of me. Nearly five hours of running. The first 12 miles were harder than I think they should have been – mentally. At around 12 or 13 I heard, “dee dee! dee dee!” and it was Martha – so wonderful to see my friend, but she was going around a bend a half or so miles behind me (I should have ran with her). When someone said mile 13, I felt it should have been 15 and so it went. Seemed like my 18 miler training run was less hard than this and I was in a race for goodness sakes, where was the adrenaline. The pain started around 13 or 15, but not in my foot. Both hip flexors, (think the fold of your hips, maybe were your underwear lines your legs, that area. ) Eventually it became a throbbing pain on the right side. That long stretch out seemed too long. I kept hoping we would get through the OUT and on to the BACK . That then I would be distracted by the sense of finishing – of the home stretch. I just couldn’t talk myself through it like I did last time and again, I was not with the people who knew me – my biggest mistake.

I remember the training and the fear and how I told myself I wasn’t ever going to do this again after today and I really think that I weakened my mind. I do not think my heart was in it. I regret not trying to get to the back side, but I stopped at an aid station right before mile 18. Some ten or fifteen minutes later, Martha and my friends Chuck and Justin went by. They saw me in the golf cart with another runner, wrapped in those silver space blankets. They looked worried. I gave a thumbs up. It broke my heart. I did not cry.

The ride back was ridiculous – freezing cold - my new friend (we called ourselves the marathon bailers) and I were sweaty. It was six to eight miles back to the finish and it took forever! We passed all kinds of runners and some who had stopped. When we finally got there, we were both stiff as a board from the sitting – ouch. I had to get directions back to the deserted start area – the stage was standing, but the area looked like a ghost town. The bag was there, untouched. (glad I paid the honor box)

I was tired, sore, defeated, hungry – I drank my electrolyte drink, ate more peanut butter sandwich, changed from the shirt to the jacket – and realized I had no idea how to get back to my hotel – a mile away. Some people walked by – I asked, they didn’t know, but one of them looked it up on their smart phone and gave me the number. I starting walking towards a main street as the hotel clerk answered. Of course, I was going the wrong way. I had to go back over the bridge – on the bridge the post race food lined the sides and the people were there with their medals. I did not take food – It took a long time to get to the hotel. I remember when I was still running and when I thought about stopping and when I waited for the cart to come and get me - my thought “I just want to be home in my apartment warm and away from this trial. “

I felt somewhat better back in my room. I had asked for a late checkout – as I expected to finish the race and celebrate, call Mom and set up my pizza date – etc. So I had time to settle, reflect, pack, shower, check out – get home, hey and I could even do my grocery shopping because 18 miles is NOTHING>

So I ran the shower and ran it and ran it, but I could not make the water hot. I called the desk and said, I don’t have hot water in the shower. “Ma’am there is no hot water in the hotel.” SIGH…. I went home sticky.

So you know the whole story and a lot more about me.

My objective after this poor outcome included not rewarding myself but also not punishing myself. It was hard not to cry and harder still not to second guess… I should have kept going… but at the time I did not know how. I also didn’t have the luxury of having days to recuperate because I had to go to work the next day and I even had to work until 8pm. How could I do that if I couldn’t stand up?

My mistakes – avoiding my friends is the big one – not getting to the starting area soon enough was a HUGE stress inducer - not having long enough to train might be in here too.
My challenges – time, body, training, but most importantly, the challenge of having to work around a date and place that you cannot change. If I did not have to do the event on a certain date then I could train smart and according to my body. If I had to ease off because of work, I could. If I needed to have my foot xrayed it would be okay. If the race day was too cold or it rained or insert scenario, I could do it another day. If it wasn’t an all or nothing looming EVENT I could do it. I needed to work the 26.2 miles into MY schedule.

And that is what I have decided to do. I am going to start over – train at MY comfort level and then with or without a few of my friends, I will run the Deirdre Pizza Marathon on my own given Sunday!

Now we can get back to the real news tomorrow.

Personal Goal Story continues...

Part of me wishes I had not started this post - I have health news articles backing up on me! - but I am also showing you a technique I learned long ago that helps you deal with losses or challenges and that is to explain it in writing -

As I begin part two, I realize that the processing isn’t really going the way I expected and I guess that is what “journaling” is meant to do – to help us work through our thoughts and responses as we describe real events. But about two weeks before the race, when my foot flared up, I started to think I was never going to do this again, that it takes so much planning, effort, struggle and then so much can go wrong before the day gets here or on the day itself - but that part is starting to fade from my memory - the way the pain of child birth fades and women decide to do it again.... The more I write, the more I think it was my mind that let me down, more than my body and that if I fixed a few things – I could make this happen. So I write now with conflicting voices, the one that wants me to accept a different and equally challenging path and the one that wants me to keep adjusting the recipe until I get the distance right. But we were still on Saturday when we left off….

The day before Gasparilla…
I remember now that as I went to bed on Friday I felt a tightening in my head, a headache I thought, “where did that come from?” It was still there when I woke on Saturday and my sinuses were a bit congested. I used one of those breathe easy strips that had come in my registration packet goodie bag. It REALLY worked, but sort of freaked me out, so I took it off before I had my little four mile run. The run was FINE, and afterwards it began to rain and that rain was pretty heavy at times. I packed my food for the day, all but dinner. I planned everything and to eat every couple of hours. I was careful all week to hydrate. My plan for dinner was grilled salmon and veggies – not a pasta carbo loader – but I had other carbs all day. As I said I went to a conference and presented on motivational interviewing for behavior change – HA – my power point would not open for the presentation – I had spent many hours, mostly on Saturdays, creating the PPT.

My trip to the Tampa Convention Center was without incident – love my Garmin Nuvi as much as I love my Garmin running GPS. The race expo would close at 3pm and I needed to pick up my packet with instructions, bib and timing chip. Getting a parking spot in downtown with so many other people at the event was a challenge. Most lots were asking 10 to 20 dollars for parking. I finally gave in to a 5$ lot. When I got out of my car, the sign said “please pay the honor box”. [my massage therapist had told me that after the race I needed to have a special message on my quadriceps that would flush out the toxins – the race info said that MTs would be available for 12 dollars for ten minutes or something – I had about 17 or 18 dollars in cash] I decided to go and get my packet first and read more about this honor box thing when I was finished and I also thought I might come across an ATM or buy something and get change. That didn’t happen. I did get my packet and I looked at all the vendor booths – I did not buy anything – I never reward myself BEFORE an event. I did see a tee shirt that I wish I could remember exactly, but it said something like “it takes courage just to show up at the start of a marathon”. I would repeat that to myself many times. I also stopped at the pacer table. In half and full marathons, they have volunteers who agree to run at a set pace the entire way so that a person doesn’t go out too fast or slow for an event allowing them to finish at the time that is best for their body. Olympic level runners can finish a marathon in just over two hours – that is a 26.2 mile run. The cut off for runners is 7 hours. Many of my friends can do it in 3-4 hours and I can do it in 5 or less. My longest training run for this race was 18 miles, as I’ve said and I did that in a 10:18 pace, faster than I have done it before – so I thought I would hang with the 4:45 group which was to run at a 10:53 pace. I didn’t commit in writing but my plan was to find that group at the start. The pacers hold long sticks with the finish time on one side and pace time on the other. I had trained almost exclusively on my own, so this would be unique and I believed very helpful. (I had hoped to find my friend Martha, but at the same time I was avoiding some of my running club because of my fear of failure. I ran the Sarasota with Martha and I don’t know why – well, I probably would have if I had found her – but that is the Sunday part and we are still on Saturday). Back to the parking lot – I went to the box and it said to put your money in and get a slip to put on your dashboard. Well, I could easily have not done that – there were no gates, not attendants, etc. Between the ghost of my father, and the risk of really bad karma, I could not do this. I paid 5 bucks for a pass that expired that night and then drove to the Howard Johnson where I was charged another 8 dollars for parking.

The hotel. I had been very specific in finding an hotel, after the two closest to the race were full. This one was only a mile away and according to hotels.com I could get a no smoking room and a fridge, microwave and internet access. I was so concerned that the amenities and location might not be as listed that I called customer service and spoke with a representative who checked everything out and assured me that all was as it appeared and she booked my room. At the time, it seemed that no one else from the race would be there as all the nice hotels were full, and that was where my running club friends, and Martha, were as well.

Wrong I was, there were two counter clerks and a line to check in. I had a mini back pack, a reusable bag (from the race registration – packed full) my lunch box and my laptop in the car. I waited in line for 20 minutes and then parked my car and carried all my stuff to my room. [PS I confirmed that there would be a shuttle to the race at 5:30 Sunday morning) My room was dingy. It had the smell of too much air freshener but I told myself it was NOT bad – all would be okay. Then I saw that there was no fridge and no microwave. I had not unpacked a thing – but at this point 3:30 it was seeming to be a long day. I called the desk to explain and the man who answered said, “ok ma’am come down stairs and we can see about your concern.” That was a bad sign – why didn’t they just bring me a microwave or move me, why did I have to come downstairs? I will tell you why – to stand in the LINE again for no less than another 20 minutes. So now I am drinking my diet soda and eating my kudos bar still standing and posting to face book on my blackberry. Well, they are not sure what they can do, but they will try to find a microwave in an out of service room and bring it to me – as I no longer care about the refrigerator. Ah, and guess what, they will take the 8 dollar charge for parking off my bill. Again I asked, “What time will you take people to the race tomorrow – 5:30 the driver will be here.”

About ten minutes later, I received a phone call and they moved me to another room. It was on the top floor and it was exactly what I expected it to be when I booked my room. Sigh – happy. My lap top even connected to some unsecured wireless portal so that I could BLOG that night. Unfortunately, the hotel restaurant was a bust. OK, I found a Bonefish Grill and ordered my food for take out. The only other thing to do was email my Mom. And for that to really make sense, I have to tell you the pizza story… which seems a good place to stop.

A Personal Story of Goal Setting and Challenges - part one

Tonight I am going to get a little personal – which can make me uncomfortable, but I choose to do it because it is a teaching moment and a learning experience for me. I had set a significant personal and fitness goal for myself last year. Well, it was not that much of a goal initially. I had run the Sarasota Marathon in February 2009 and it was the absolute most rewarding experience of my life – the finish and the ensuing days of euphoria. That is an accomplishment and feeling I will never forget, I hope. Enough for most I imagine, but not for me, and mostly that is due to the people in my “social running scene” who are less than or more than human and who run marathons monthly if not more frequently. It is all relevant and what you see most often becomes your new normal. I was MOST thrilled that the days after the marathon did not find me falling apart, battered – bruised-broken or unable to run. My friends all encouraged me to run the West Palm Beach Marathon that December. So, I registered (100 bucks), reserved my hotel etc and came up with a training plan to use later - a 12-16 week plan. In the summer though, because I try SO hard to be invincible, my long runs every Sunday knocked me out (I had pulled muscles in my abdominal area and other things were wrong too) and in July a series of physical misfortunes plagued me. I was despaired. I tried lots of cross training (swimming, bicycling, etc) and in September I joined a large local gym and became more sincere and focused in weight training. I also added some cardio classes to routine. During my recuperation, I sprained my ankle and had to refrain from weight bearing for almost two weeks. I tried running again in September or October but had fits and starts because I kept trying to start running where I had stopped (six miles 4x a week and ten + miles on Sunday) that just caused more musculoskeletal issues. Later in October, I did start slow – like two miles every other day! I continued my gym classes and strength training, but had to cancel and lose my registration fee to West Palm for December.

Surprisingly, it all began to come together around Christmas time. I remember running 8 miles that day and feeling so grateful for that. I was indeed stronger than ever – in January I was able to start long runs again and was logging over 30 miles a week. Ah the hope that springs eternal. There are not a lot of marathons close to my house, so when my friends again spoke of Gasparilla (Tampa), which they all ran in some form last year (5K, 15K, ½ marathon or marathon) just weeks after the Sarasota one, I wanted to be a part of it too. I registered, but did not tell anyone. I had about eight weeks to train, half of the recommended time. I was stronger and faster this time – but my longest training run was only 18 miles. I think here is where I should get into nitty gritty detail – because you don’t have to train for a marathon to apply some of these principles and to understand the points I am trying to make so that I learn and perhaps you learn the issue. The main one is this: You can do all the right things and still have an outcome different than you expected – and it is still of the utmost importance that you control the things you can and evaluate and accept the things you cannot control or change.

Plan one was to start long runs on Sundays – once I saw that ten miles did not tweak any of the previous year’s injuries I felt confident and comfortable going forward. I continued my weight training and my legs and back became stronger – indeed any trace of back pain seemed to be obliterated.

On consecutive Sundays, cold, windy, warm or humid and sometimes wet, I ran 12, 14, 15, 18, 14, 12, and then the Marathon weekend was here. But I also ran six miles four days (tues, wed , fri, sat), weight trained mon and fri - did step aerobics on most tues and dance class most thurs.

After the 18 I think, my foot began to bother me as well as some minor, expected muscular things, I found an awesome licensed sports massage therapist, but rather late in the game. My foot issue was beyond weird, I could jump all over the place without pain, but sometimes when I started a run, and other times when I was in the middle of a run, my foot (on the top) would hurt. I was very concerned that the FOOT not all the other issues I had overcome, would take me out of the race. Mostly because on my last long run, the foot was fine until mile six and THEN it began to hurt and got worse as I progressed – a new symptom.

I should add, that in the weeks before Gasparilla, my job became very taxing and I had a couple of six day weeks with many nontraditional work day hours. (Also, I have a Toyota Corolla and STILL haven’t gotten it the shop for the recall! )

The week immediately before the event I did all the smart things – I changed my wake up time so that I could successfully change my sleep time. On Monday-Thursday I awoke at 530 and Friday and Saturday at 520 and on race day 445. I began to eat more carbs and I ran only four miles on my 4 days, (on a treadmill three days, so that I would not hurt my foot, and so I could run at 630 in the morning). I saw the massage therapist Friday and she used some sports tape to take pressure off my foot as she thought my calf muscle was actually causing the strain. Saturday was a dreay day. I ran an easy four miles near my house before the rain came. And of course, all week I had run less than six miles at a time so there was no way to know if my foot had gotten better or not. Much apprehension filled my mind and body. Before I drove to the race day expo and my hotel, I did a presentation for work. A comedy of errors followed – which is a good stopping point – the rest of the story will continue tomorrow!